Long time no talk mr. bloggy

Why hello! Where in the world have I been. I haven't been writing here in ages... AGES! Not good at all. But dontcha worry cause I am back.

Lord Jesus, you are so good. Perfect and holy. You always listen to our prayers and always answer them in your own time. And your time is truly perfect. Thank you thank you thank you that you helped me pass the NCLEX. You are the reason I have my nursing License now. There is no other reason. You were the source of my strength to keep studying hard, you were the source of my minimal anxiety over the exam. You are the source of my passing. Praise the Lord! For you are good, your love endures forever.

I still cannot believe it. I passed the NCLEX. My life is on the path I have been working for. I have to keep on reminding myself daily that I have passed the exam since I sometimes get this wave of nervousness. And praise God that I got to spend time with my wonderful family in England. It was so amazing. I love seeing my grandarents, cousins, aunt and uncle. I loved waking up to the smell of tea and eating croissants and yogurt and weetabix with my grandparents. They spoiled me the whole week. The meals they cooked were amazing. I loved sleeping with Mimi and spending so much time with her. She is definitely growing up, but she is still the funny, fun, cute, sweet, silly, innocent Mimi. I love all of them so much, and that week after passing the the exam was the best way to spend it. I am so blessed to be able to do that.

And now I am of course still blessed everyday. I don't have to be without my husband for very long. God showed me what I was supposed to do. I needed to be with my husband. It wasn't worth being miserable at home every day without him. My first ministry is to him. I was very much torn on whether I should stay in G-rap for a month while mitch gets trained in Pittsburg since the Lord laid these three wonderful young life high schooler's at my feet to serve and to love. I thought maybe my depressing feelings and heartache of being apart from Mitch was just me being emotional, and if I gave into them then I just wasn't listening to God. I wanted so badly to listen to God. But then through prayer and the wisdom of others, I realized that God does not have any boundaries. It is never black and white, this or that with the Lord. As long as I am obedient to Him, He can use me in many more ways than one. I could be with my husband as well as serve the young life girls. I can be constantly in prayer for the girls, and continue communication with them. The Lord is good. And now He has shown me more reasons why I have not gotten any interviews for jobs yet. It is to be with Mitchell AND to spend my excess amount of time being with Him and serving others.
Yesterday i realized that I was spending the majority of my excess amount of time on that are worthless when compared to the peace and love experienced with God (such as TV, books, crafts, walks, shopping.) Although I have been spending a little time with God in the morning (in the Word and devotionals) as well as prayer throughout the day, how much more time I could be spending with God Almighty. God has given me this time, all day, everyday until I get a job to grow in Him. Isn't this what we always wish for? We always say to ourselves if only we had more time, we would definitely use it to become closer to God. Yet, in my case, this time has been laid before me, and what do I do with it? Find everything, but the Lord to keep me busy. Ironic. Human.
I want to change that. James says that it is a sin to know what you should be doing and to not do it. I don't want to keep falling into that sin. I know what I am supposed to be doing with my time now.

Here are somethings that came to mind last night when the Lord was convicting about these previously discussed things.

I do what I hate and I hate what I do, yet coming back to you is so difficult.
How can that be?
Your promises are beyond human measure,
Your words are like soft silk protecting me from the cold,
your love is supernatural,
serene,
peaceful,
true,
complete...
and you make me complete.
Why Lord is walking one mile back to you harder in my mind than walking 30 miles away from you?
How can I forget that you carry me to your peaceful sanctuary every step of the way?
I attempt to jump out of your strong arms, I become my own God.
But where does that get me?
I want to be done with this
Done with depending on you only when I think I need you,
I want to lean on you every day,
every hour,
every minute,
every second.
For it is true.
I am seriously broken and helpless without you.
You bring meaning to my life Lord Jesus.
You turn my stained,
rusted,
broken,
shameful
mind, body and soul into the whitest snow.
You never judge anyone on appearances nor achievements.
You look into each one of our eyes and smile with delight.
For you see Jesus and not our brokenness.
We are so truly precious to you.
We are your prized possession.
Though your sheep are many Lord Jesus,
You always make sure to search and find those that are lost and gone astray.
You gently bring them home.
You accept us and cherish us
No matter where we have been,
No matter who we are,
No matter how much we have envied others,
No matter how much hate we have bottled up,
No matter, No matter, No matter what.
God, bring me to your sanctuary again.

Gods words are beautiful. Everything that came to my mind last night was from Gods word. His promises, His love. So amazing.

Lord God, I am anxious about the NCLEX. Give me peace of mind Father. Help me to see the bright side of all of this studying and failing of practice exams. It is discouraging. But I know that it is helping me even though I haven't seen the effects of it yet. Lord Jesus you are so good. I know that you are with me and delight in me completely. I know that you have helped me to wake up and study and you will keep on helping me to persevere and focus. Thank you Lord for all of the amazing people that are praying for me. Thank you for the nice couple I just met who said they would pray for me. Even people I have spoken to for only a couple seconds are praying that I pass and you put them in my life for that reason. Lord Jesus, I can feel your presence. You calm my spirit and help me to realize that all I need in life is hope and faith in You. Why worry? Why fear? When you Lord are with me and providing me with strength every day, every single morning, every single afternoon when all I want to do is take a nap, when you Lord are with me what and whom then shall I fear? You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever. I love you Lord.

Hebrews is such a wise and profound book. The writer makes connections between Jesus and the many prophesies in the OT throughout the entire book. Something I found really interesting is how the writer speaks of Jesus in likeness of Melchizedek, a High Priest. This High Priest appears in Genesis 14:18-20 as a Priest of God Most High. The reason Jesus is compared to Melchizedek is because he is not an Aaronite Priest, but is from Salem (Jerusalem) and Moses says he is a Priest of the Most High. This is what the writer of Hebrews says:
If perfection could have been attained through the Levitical priesthood (for on the basis of it the law was given to the people), why was there still need for another priest to come—one in the order of Melchizedek, not in the order of Aaron? For when there is a change of the priesthood, there must also be a change of the law. He of whom these things are said belonged to a different tribe, and no one from that tribe has ever served at the altar. For it is clear that our Lord descended from Judah, and in regard to that tribe Moses said nothing about priests. And what we have said is even more clear if another priest like Melchizedek appears, one who has become a priest not on the basis of a regulation as to his ancestry but on the basis of the power of an indestructible life. For it is declared:
"You are a priest forever,
in the order of Melchizedek."The former regulation is set aside because it was weak and useless (for the law made nothing perfect), and a better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God. And it was not without an oath! Others became priests without any oath,but he became a priest with an oath when God said to him:
"The Lord has sworn
and will not change his mind:
'You are a priest forever.'Because of this oath, Jesus has become the guarantee of a better covenant.
Jesus is our High Priest FOREVER. He sacrificed his own Perfect Human and God self for us to that our since would be forgiven ONCE AND FOR ALL. God, it is so fun to find out more about you. Reveal yourself to me more and more, I can't get enough of it.

God you never ever leave us. God you have seen all of us. Every single unclean, sinful, rebellious, envious, pitiful side of me, yet you delight in us? You rejoice over us with singing? You are true Love Lord. You do not turn your cheek against us in disgust. No. You look us straight in our eyes every single day and tell us "You believe so you are saved through my amazing, gracious, sweet, perfect, humble Son Jesus Christ... continue hoping, believing, and walking the path of salvation, seeking my face and learning more about who I really am every day and one day you will dwell in heaven with Us. I love you always. Your sin is no longer the veil I see covering you, it is My Son I and it is so good."
Lord Jesus, Thank You. Remind me to thank you for your sacrifice every single day.

I have began reading and reflecting on the book of Isaiah recently. Man O man does this book show so much of who God is and show his fulfilled promises through His prophesy. In the first chapter God speaks about his anger, disappointment and sadness toward Judah and Jerusalem. He says " 4 They have forsaken the Lord...5 The whole head is sick... 6 There is no soundness in it, but wounds and bruises and putrifying sores. They have not been closed or bound up or soothed with ointment... (yet despite all of his anger towards His people He says) 18 Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool. If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land ; but if you refuse and rebel, you shall be devoured by the sword".

Though we constantly turn away from our Father and curse him, He does not turn away from us. The way he expresses his anger makes me flinch and want hide behind something out of disgrace and embarassment. In likeness of a disappointed human father who approaches his own children, condemning them for the poor decisions they have made, our Lord God turns to us with tears in His eyes and tells us exactly how he regards our iniquities. He is even states that His "soul hates (the iniquity and futile sacrifices". He justly despises all of what makes us fallen human beings, yet he is also full of grace. He created a way for us to be forgiven eternally. His Son willingly submitted to this supernatural plan of "offering up Himself (for all of our sins), once and for all!" (Hebrews 7:27).

Amazing.

I just signed up for the NCLEX exam, and though I am scared and nervous out of my mind, I know the Lord will be with me the next couple weeks as I study. I know He will listen to my prayers of helping me to re-learn, focus on, and retain, all the information and help me to sucessfully pass the NCLEX. Only God can help me to pass, and I know He will. He has gotten me this far. I know He desires me to be a nurse. Through being a nurse I can pray for the patients I have and perhaps plant Gospel seeds in some of them through Gods power. He is good. I will praise You Lord Jesus every day. Help my unbelief Lord! and help me to completely, and sincerely follow you.

So just so I don't forget and Mom Brown told me I should write things down that is special, here is something that I dreamed about a while ago, but never recorded. Towards the end of the summer I had a dream about God. The whole dream I was looking and looking for Him everywhere and I could not find Him. I kept on calling Him saying "God where are you? why can't I find you you?". The dream was a pretty quick one that actually caused me to wake up. After yelling for God, from somewhere like a burning bush, God said in a calm voice "I am right here, I am always here." It was a beautiful reminder that God truly never leaves us nor forsakes any of us.

I just saw God today. I love that when your eyes are open and you are seeking Him you see him more and more. To many people who don't know God this tiny little second of people watching (which I am so good at :) ) may seem like nothing. Someone who doesn't know Jesus may not have seen Him in this moment. But I did, and oh my goodness it brought tears to my eyes. Right now I am in Olgas Kitchen studying and a couple minutes ago I saw two middle school or early high school age boys come in. I just glanced over as they were conversing. It was so sweet. One of the boys had an obvious disability (he was blind and had some sort of compulsive movement disorder). The other one was telling him about something he was excited about. Even though his friend had some obvious disabilities that I am sure cause many people to stop and stare (though it sounds bad, it is probably true), this boy seemed completely unaware of the differences of his friend. Now, you may be thinking "well whats the big deal? How is this situation special? Shouldn't that be how all of us should act around any disabled person?". To me it is a big deal because I have been around middle school and high schoolers and it is not easy to step out on a limb and befriend someone that is so obviously different than other people. At that age everyone is more self-concious and many kids dislike drawing attention to themselves, unless it is popularity attention or admiration. Perhaps there is a bigger pool of kids who are like this boy who befriends people for who they are, not for how cool they are or how cool they look; maybe I just havn't met them yet. Either way, it was amazing to see these boys interact and to see the deep friendship and care they have with each other. God is good. You'll see Him more and more even in the little things when you look.

Praise God

HMMM where to begin... I haven't been as diligent with writing in my blog for the past week... so here I go again :)
I learned a lot last week. Kelsey Caverley my wonderful friend in G-RAP came to a debate between a Christian and an Athiest at a coffee shop. There were about 20 people who listened to the debate (half were Athiest, half Christian). It was interesting, incredibly confusing, and left me wondering what exactly drives people to be Athiest. I understood the Christian's perspective, but when it came to the Athiest's arguments for not believing in a God, I sat there in utter confusion. Perhaps it is my lack of knowledge regarding the Athiest philosophy which caused me to be fuzzy minded. Yet, if the Athiest had a sound argument, being the educated, moderately intelligent person I am, shouldn't I have been able to at least understand their argument?
Who knows. But all I can say is praise the Lord for opening mine and so many others' eyes to the Truth. It truly does set you free. Free from worry, contempt, envy, lack of self worth. The Lord loves each and every one of us for who we are and who he created us to be. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. He delights in spending time with us. And there is nothing.... LITERALLY NOTHING that we need to do to earn our way to salvation. We are all sinners. We all fall short of the glory of God. But we have soooo much self worth, full and complete and perfect self worth through our Lord, Christ Jesus, who paid the ultimate price, overcoming our debt of sin, by dying a criminals death on the cross, so that His children, who he delights in, cherishes, and perfectly and supernaturally loves, could be washed clean and be saved. As Shelly taught all of us who were on Leadership weekend for Young Life, never ever get self esteem mixed up with self worth. These words, though they sound alike, they do NOT mean the same thing. Self esteem is our own perception of ourselves, that is so easily negatively affected and brought down from doing things like just looking in the mirror at someone we believe could have been created to look better and more attractive, or by having someone tell us something that hurts our feelings. Self esteem fluctuates every minute, every hour, every day. In complete contrast, our self worth NEVER EVER changes. We always have perfect self worth, due to our Lord Jesus Christ who sees us as His prize, His cherished children as evidenced by His brutal, humiliating death on the Cross, burial, and resurrection. He did that for each and everyone of us.

What a beautiful thing. If that isn't the most amazing and romantic love story, then honestly, I don't know what is. Nothing can compare to His love for us. No matter how we feel about ourselves, no matter how ugly we think we are or others think we are, no matter what the world thinks of us, no matter the lies that Satan tells to each of us everyday, no matter what the media says about ourselves, no matter how much we think we are unloved and alone.... NO MATTER WHAT the Lord our God, who created us and paid the most extreme and perfect sacrifice for us so that we can join Him and the angels in eternity, will always always ALWAYS LOVE US! I need to remind myself of that every morning and through out every day. Sometimes I wonder how it can be true. What have I done? Why would anyone die for me? Sometimes I just feel so unlovable. Yet, how much more do these human feeling of low self worth illuminate the deep love that God always had,has and will have for us. DANG DAWG!

As an Athiest you have no hope beyond this life. If this life was all I had to live for, what a sad , brutal, unfortunate life that would be. But since there is more to this short, often difficult, life on earth, we have purpose. Not for our own relationship with God, but for glorifying Jesus Christ our Lord, by serving Him, getting to know Him, and loving God's children who are all around us. How much more worthwhile our life is with Jesus.

The most beautiful and amazing thing that I have constantly reminded myself of recently is that when God looks at us, he does not see us (the sin, dirtiness, junk, imperfectness in or life) but you know what he sees?
JESUS CHRIST His one and only son who like Phillipians 2:6-11 says:
"Though He was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling t. Instead, he gave up His divine privileges, he took the humble position of a slave, and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal's death on the cross. Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor, and gave him the name above all other names, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

I love that scripture passage. Isn't that crazy?? God is goooooooooooooood!

Isn't it funny and a little weird and super sweet when something you just read in His word comes up during your day? That somehow something you spent time reading in the morning is somehow touched upon again that very day? Or vice versa where you are thinking about something and then God sheds light on that matter in His word or in prayer. Crazy. Coincidence? I think not! (I just really wanted to say that...:) ) Anyhow, something of that sort happened to me today. The idea that "it is natural to be religious, but it is supernatural to to be a Christian" came up in the scripture I read this morning. In Timothy 3:5 it says (in NLT version) 'They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly." I interpret that to mean pretty much what that bumper sticker quote means. It is a scary thing to allow the supernatural to lead your life. Perhaps this is one of the many reasons why we as humans often try to maintain control in our lives by naturally acting religious. SO what is the difference between being religious and being a Christian?
I think it is very difficult to see the distinction between the two in the world we live in today. Yet, now that I think about it, the distinction was fuzzy in the past as well. The Pharisees in the NT were very much religious, but far from being Christians. Though they had all of the scriptures memorized by heart and did their best to follow the biblical Laws, due to their hardened hearts and spiritual blindness they did not see God when he stood as Jesus before their eyes.
I think to go beyond being just naturally religious is to accept Jesus as Lord and Savior, AND to also sincerely tell the Lord that you are ready to make the effort that a two sided relationship requires. That you know that by accepting Jesus into your life, change has to happen. And althought God can give you the strength, will power, desire, and motivation to get off your butt and do something, he can not and does not desire to do it for you or force you to do it. Nuh uh. God knows that growth will happens faster, will be built on a more stable foundation, and your roots of faith will grow deeper in Him if you act as the agent of change and put in your own effort (for example, sitting down and asking for God to help you to understand His word and then taking the initiative yourself to read it).
..... so thats all I got for now, this is most likely not the end of this thought... it will come up again probs.
Thank you Lord for the amazing time each day of learning about our purpose, who you originally created us to be, and the true hope that is found in your Son, Jesus Christ our Savior.

Testimony in a very very very small nutshell

So since the about me section of the profile is way too short (or I just talk too much) here is a quick overview of me. I am 23 years old, married and love my Mitch SO very much. I have been blessed with a family who is loving, supportive and always there for me. I have 3 siblings (bro Samir in China, Sis Priya in Colorado, and baby Lily (linger blinger) in Birmingham n high school). My dad is Indian (Dot type, not feather) and my mom is British from England.
I grew up as a Christian, going to church Sundays and praying occasionally (though we never said grace). Yet, I wasn't introduced to the Truth of having a relationship with Jesus until middle school through Matt Hook, the Youth Pastor. In an attempt to try this relationship thing, I began reading my bible and praying to God. Yet, that dwindled pretty quick once I got to high school and became caught up more in fitting in, and set God aside so that I could focus on my vanity idol and attempt to deal with the anxiety that came with it. Along with all of this, I began dating Mitch when I was 16. It was wonderful, but very physical, which ultimately pulled both of us further and further away from God. After a horrible, depression filled 6 months of neediness following the decision that I was old enough to have sex, Mitch came to me and told me that he thought it would be a good idea for us to stop doing the thing that was damaging our relationship as well as our souls. Thus, we abstained until we wed. Best decision ever. God opened Mitch's ears to this huge issue, and through that act, turned my head towards Himself, though at the time it was only the slightest bit. As the next 3 years went by slowly but surely God turned both of our heads more and more. And He continues to do so still today. I would say on my relationship continuum with God, I have now maybe reached my first birthday. What I mean by that is that I am more than conscious that I have far more growing to do with God, through God and for God. There are struggles, insecurities, thoughts on life that I will write about eventually to fill in the holes of this testimony. But despite the briefness of this account, at least this is a glimpse of the life I have lead and the life I intend to lead with God as my direction, strength, comfort, hope.

So here is a quote that I heard on one of the many Christian television channels (I guess the preacher saw this on a bumper sticker) : Being religious is natural, but being a Christian is supernatural.

When I heard that I reflected on it for a long time. Some questions came to mind. Have I ever gotten caught up on being religious over being a true Christian? Do I depend on God guiding on my christian walk Christian or do I depend on my own human strength to just be plain old religious?

These questions were really rhetorical ones since I already knew the answers. I have gotten caught up in being religious over a true Christian and I too often depend on myself to walk what I see as the Christian walk. It is sad, but true, and something I need to pray about frequently.

Lord God, I desire to depend fully on your strength, your supernatural, all powerful strength to lead me on the path that you have for me. I pray that I will wake up every morning with my thoughts turning toward my dependence on you and the fact that you will help me get me through anything that comes my way that day, rather than taking it upon myself to muster my human strength to tackle the day. I don't want to just be seen as a religious person anymore. No. That comes far too naturally. Someone who worships the devil can be considered religious. I want people who see me, know me, interact with me to know without a doubt that it is not my strength and will that drives me on my path towards the Light, but it is you Lord.

This Blog marks the beginning of another season in my life. I have realized that there are far too many thoughts and ideas that come to my mind daily that it was time to begin writing them down. I figure that by writing down my thoughts it provides me with an opportunity for deeper reflection on how these thoughts relate to God and how I can learn from them. It is also a way for me to recognize topics in my life and others' life that need prayer. Please feel free to comment and pray with me. Hopefully, something I say will pertain to you. Whether I help you to realize that you aren't the only one with that problem or sin, or whether you get to reflect on something perhaps you have never considered before... at least this blog may help someone else besides myself. I'll leave that part up to God miraculous ways of working. Either way, I am excited to be vulnerable with myself, with whoever is reading and with God.

This is gonna be fun. Can't wait to share my thoughts with who ever wants to read 'em. oh boy oh boy

Wazzzzzzzzzzzup y'all :)